Society likes to stamp sexual fantasies with a big scarlet letter… but why?
Well, sex is perceived by many different people in many different ways. Some of society’s less fluid folk will argue that sex doesn’t deserve a positive spotlight. Which is why the act of daydreaming is universally accepted, while sexual fantasies are not.
But at the end of the day, sexual fantasies are just daydreams… with a kinky twist.
Just as you would daydream about the your ideal job or the home you yearn to one day live in, many daydream about sex.
From a psychological perspective, sexual fantasies are normal. Sexual desire is a science in its rawest form, and should be honored as a natural part of the human experience. No matter if you keep your fantasies tucked between your legs or if you are an open book, there are a few things you need to know when it comes to fantasizing about sex.
Welcome to Sexual Fantasies 101.
1. Sexual fantasies are normal.
If you have kept your sexual fantasy a secret out of fear that it isn’t “normal”, it is time to rethink a few things.
First, your fantasies, no matter how clean or kinky, are valid. You don’t need to justify them, nor do you need to shame yourself for experiencing them.
They are normal.
Whether you fantasize about group sex, rough sex, romantic sex, exploring fetishes or testing the boundaries of your gender and sexuality in bed, know that you are not alone.
The important thing to remember about sexual fantasies is that dreaming and doing are two different things. Nothing is abnormal about fantasizing in your head… dream away. But if you plan to carry out a sexual fantasy, there are a few more things you should consider. Check out number 5 and 6 in this blog to learn more.
2. Just because you have sexual fantasies, doesn’t mean you actually want them to happen.
Listen closely here. Just because you or your partner have sexual fantasies does not mean that the same exploratory thrill applies the idea of actually acting out the fantasy.
In simple terms — dreaming is not the same as doing.
It doesn’t matter how “crazy” or “out of this world” your fantasies are. You can dream about something as simple as having sex with multiple partners, and still not feel comfortable doing so in real life.
There are also plenty of women who experience what has been coined “rape fantasies”. These fantasies are as complex as they come — considering that dreaming about rape, is not rape, and that when these fantasies are locked in your head, consent is still an active player. In the case of real rape, consent is clearly absent.
However, rape fantasies come in many shapes and sizes… and are quite common. One study shows that 61% of women, 54% of men and 61% of non-binary participants have fantasized about rape.
Rape fantasies, in many cases, can be cooked down to desires of force and submission. The psychology behind this particular fantasy is rich, but one thing is clear…
…just beacuse a rape fantasy occupies you or your partner’s mind, does not mean that rape is truly a desire.
3. Your sexual fantasies may be telling you something…
Just like dreams, your sexual fantasies may give you a unique insight.
If you fantasize about having rough sex or exploring BDSM, you may be subconsciously looking for an expression of power in bed. Whether your fantasy entails someone submitting to you or you being told what to do, this sexual fantasy may reflect a desire to seize or to surrender control in your life.
Similarly, if you fantasize about having a romantic, candlelit evening that concludes with passionate and amorous love-making, you may be seeking a deeper connection in your love life.
4. Sexual fantasies are therapeutic.
You read that right – sexual fantasies do have therapeutic properties.
Most commonly, fantasizing about sexual partners, behaviors and scenarios can be relieving of sexual stress and anxiety.
So be sure to take the time to reflect on your sex-related stresses and know that they are normal.
People of all walks of life experience stress and anxiety around sexuality. intimacy and sex. Fantasizing is just one way that can help your body cope with these complex emotions; doing so is a way to regain control of the behaviors that you feel less secure about.
If you experience stress and anxiety around your sexuality and the limitations of your existing sexual relationships, you may find yourself fantasizing about non-monogamous or gender-bending sex. This is a healthy way to compartmentalize and understand more about your identity. It also creates an avenue for you to expand your sexual preferences and desires without immediately acting on them.
All in all, sexual fantasies, no matter how nuanced or naughty, can positively impact your stress levels. Pairing your fantasies with masturbation can be even more restorative to your sexual stresses and anxieties.
So do yourself a favor and spend some personal time with your body…
5. Communicating your deepest sexual fantasies in 3 simple steps.
If you are ready to share your sexual fantasy (or fantasies) with your partner, there are a few things you should do to prepare for the conversation.
Step 1: Take the time to become familiar with your fantasy.
Get up close and personal with your sexual fantasy before sharing. Really strive to understand it in detail so that when you share, you are ready to answer any questions that your partner may have.
You should think about the general plot of your fantasy and what pieces turn you on. Also, take the time to acknowledge how long you’ve experienced this fantasy and how it has evolved over time.
Step 2: Know the goal of sharing your sexual fantasy.
Are you sharing just to share or is your goal to carry out your sexual fantasy with your partner? If your fantasy is not compatible with your existing relationship, is your goal to explore outside of your current partner?
It is important to answer these questions and ones like them before communicating your sexual fantasy to your partner.
Step 3: Don’t expect any particular reaction from your partner.
When you do share your sexual fantasies with your partner, do not walk into the conversation with any expectation of how they will react. Prepare for a spectrum of positive and negative reactions and listen to what they have to say.
In many cases, sharing a sexual fantasy will provoke questions from a partner. They may even question whether or not they are fulfilling you sexually. Prepare to respond to these questions and remind them that sexual fantasies are normal, and that you simply wanted to be transparent about your desires.
6. Carrying out your sexual fantasies.
To carry out a sexual fantasy in a healthy way, it is important that your partner or partners are also interested in exploring the fantasy.
If a sexual partner gets wrapped up in performing a sexual behavior or scenario that is not of interest to them or that makes them uncomfortable, things may get tricky. Doing so can be compromising to your existing relationship with that person and can be damaging to your partner’s sexual confidence.
So be sure to have true consent from your partner before taking your fantasy to bed. The last thing you want is for your sexual fantasy to be your partner’s sexual nightmare.