As told by members of Ella Paradis’ team
Pretty much everyone has an embarrassing story to tell of some sexual encounter that went terribly wrong – or never happened at all because of bad planning. I asked around our office and here are some that our staff members have experienced. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
1. Crazy Spray
“This was an experiment this guy and I decided to have a couple years ago and it involved one of those crazy weird arousal sprays that are supposed to help intensify your orgasm. Except that after about 2 minutes of fooling around, it suddenly felt like both our genitals were on fire. No kidding, it was like a volcano erupting between my legs. We both ran screaming into the shower and were scrambling to try to wash it off.”
– Samantha, Social Media
Moral of the story? Maybe try a warming or tingling lube (or the flavored one above) — not one of those “crazy sprays.” If you can’t read the foreign symbols on the label and you don’t know the ingredients, better stay away.
2. The Tongue Incident
“I was going out with this guy, and we had been on a few dates already, and I had already decided that that night was the night that I wanted to sleep with him. This guy was HOT so I did all the prep work – shaved, bought hot lingerie, the works. I had a roommate at the time, but I knew she’d be out for the night so I brought him back to my place after dinner. We started doing our deed and he was on top. He suddenly let out this YELP and jumped out of bed. Apparently, my roommate had forgotten to lock up her tiny chihuahua before leaving, and while we were making out, she had sneaked into my room. Then, while this guy was doing his thing on top of me, Luna (her chihuahua) decided to help out by licking him right around his butt-hole. It was so awkward that he left soon after, and we didn’t go out anymore after that. SO embarrassed.”
– Marissa, Design Team
Moral of the story? Shut the door if your roomie has a creepy dog who’s into the men you bring over. Oh, and that you should have a chat with him before any surprise anal activity is introduced.
3. Where did those come from?
“This isn’t exactly embarrassing for me, but it was still awkward and I’ve never forgotten it. I met this girl at a bar and I could tell she was a little older, but she was pretty hot, so we decided to get a cab back to my place. Things were going pretty smoothly and it became apparent that she wanted to go down on me. So I laid back and let her start doing her thing. I was really enjoying it but then my hand touched something wet and hard on the bed. I looked down and it was a set of teeth. All I could think of was to ask “where did those come from?” Without hesitation, she opens her mouth into a wide gaping smile and that’s when I put it all together. I didn’t call her again, but at least I can say that I have had a toothless blow job. Oh, and if you’re wondering…no, I didn’t stop her.”
– Brandon, IT Team
Moral of the story? I’m not really sure what he could’ve done differently here, but you can have a better sensation than a toothless blow job (without the ick-factor) with one of these mouth-like masturbators.
4. Role Play Disaster
“My boyfriend and I decided to engage in some roleplay and it was decided that I would be a cowgirl and he would be my bucking bronco. Well, I guess I got into it a little too much, because half-way through our rodeo show, my boyfriend screamed and immediately started crying. I had to drive him to the ER – still wearing my plaid tie-up top and tiny denim skirt – and explain what we were doing when it happened. My boyfriend’s penis turned black and blue and was bent sideways. I was MORTIFIED. He’s fine now, but I am still scarred from the incident.”
– Katya, Customer Service
5. Whip Cream Fiasco
“I really liked this guy I had been hooking up with for about 2 weeks and he said he was into kinky girls. So I decided to surprise him with a little whip cream foreplay. But I hadn’t asked him if it was ok first. I blindfolded him and sprayed whip cream all over his genitals and nipples. Before I could even start licking, he screamed, ‘IS THAT WHIPPED CREAM?!’ It turns out he was allergic and he immediately broke out into hives. I was so embarrassed and I think if I still had his number today, I’d probably call him right now just to apologize again.”
– Natalia, Marketing Team
Moral of the story? Ask him if he’s into it (and/or allergic) before you try anything. If he has an allergy to whipped cream, try one of these sexy sweet flavored lubes instead.
6. The Sticky Tumor
“My girlfriend and I were on vacation with a couple of our friends and we decided to get it on in the shower in our vacation house. She started tossing my salad in the shower, and it was awesome, but something felt weird after she got done. I was washing myself out back there and I felt something hard protruding out of my rectum. I pulled it but it wouldn’t move. I freaked out and screamed, “BABE!” Our friends came running to the bathroom door to make sure we were ok, and all I could say was that I thought I’d found a tumor in my a**hole. It turns out that my girlfriend had been chewing gum when she went down there and it had somehow gotten lodged and stuck inside the hole. It took me an hour to get it all out of my hair down there.”
– Mike, Sales Team
Moral of the story? Spit out your gum before you do any oral activities, especially in a place where there’s hair and the possibility of getting it lodged. Or, try a prostate massager and some lube instead. Then you can just keep on chewing.