At the beginning of your relationship, you’d practically dive into bed with your partner, chock-full of enthusiasm and anticipation for the experience. Now? A few years have passed, you have other obligations, and at the end of the day, sex just doesn’t sound as appealing as the new episode of Bridgerton. Sex might feel like going through the motions, checking an item off a to-do list, or it might feel routine and uninspired.
This humdrum change might have you ask yourself, are you bored with your sex life? If this question has popped into your head, we’ll cover how to tell if your sex is feeling lackluster and helpful tips for what you can do about it.
How to tell if you’re bored with your sex life
First off, how can you tell if you’re bored with your sex life? It’s essential to differentiate lack of libido from boredom. Diminished desire and boredom sometimes overlap but are not the same! It’s common for your libido to fluctuate throughout different phases of your life. You might encounter libido changes due to stress, medication, excess or not enough exercise, or alcohol use. A change in sex drive might mean you’re less enthusiastic about the idea of sex.
Boredom in bed is slightly different than lower libido and might mean that you’re not interested in the familiarity of your sexual routine. You can be bored with your masturbation routine, bored with yourself in bed, bored with a partner, bored with positions, or bored with a specific roleplay. Struggling to tell if you’re bored with your sex life? Good indicators might be that you’re feeling averse to what’s overly familiar, not feeling a spark of excitement, or even avoiding sex altogether.
Why does sex get boring?
Seen the same movie 1000 times and already know how it ends? Sex can get boring when it feels overly rehearsed and does not include excitement or new elements such as positions, dirty talk, roleplay, or spontaneity.
Sometimes, sex gets boring because of the following reasons.
- You’re not trying new things
- You already know what feels good or how to get you or your partner off, so sex is a race to the finish line
- Only one person initiates
- You or a partner are withholding what you really want
- You don’t prioritize sex
- The sexual chemistry is off, or there has always been a mismatch
Thankfully, there are ways to add some pizazz back to sex.
How to catch more Os instead of Zs
Bring in the sex toys
If you don’t own any sex toys with your partner, now might be the perfect time to get shopping. Why’s that? Sex toys can add new excitement, sensation, and spark to your bedroom. Use one on a partner, or explore a couple’s toy and use one together. Sex toys can serve as a gateway to exploring kink, fantasy, and various desires. They can also add that new special something if sex feels dull or routine. Sex toys can cause orgasms to feel different because they are specifically designed with pleasure in mind.
Talk about turn-ons
If you’ve encountered boredom in the bedroom, it may be worth a sexy conversation with your boo about turn-ons. You can broach this conversation in bed with your partner or even at the kitchen table over a list. Be sure to jot down your and your partner’s turn-ons. A physical inventory can help people remember and reference what to try when the mood should arise. During this conversation, you’ll want to touch base about what kinds of turn-ons are on the table for both of you before trying them. Turn-ons are entirely based on an individual but could look like:
- More foreplay
- Dirty talk during sex
- When a partner is more aggressive
- When a partner is more submissive
- Using a toy
- When a partner initiates
- Touching specific erogenous zones
- Scratching, hair pulling, slapping
Plan a sensual date without sexpectations
To increase spark in the bedroom, plan a sensual date without the expectation to have sex. This might seem counterintuitive, but there’s a reason behind it. The pressure to have sex can be a major mood-killer for some. Scheduling time to be intimate without the pressure of sex can help couples rekindle intimacy and unwind together. The allotted sensual time together doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as unplugging from your devices, laying on the floor together, caressing, or holding one another. If sex should happen, great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Cultivating the time can help partners eventually get there and tap into their desire.
Play a dirty game
If sex is boring because you’ve run out of hot ideas, why not try a dirty game that will tell you what to do? You can improvise with a game of strip checkers or chess or purchase a deck of cards designed specifically for getting you and your partner in the mood. Dirty games can serve up the next position to try or body part to lick. Aside from the inspiration, sexy games can get you thinking about ways to be creative in bed.
Start the foreplay earlier in the day
A 2004 study published in the Journal of Sex Research about desired intercourse and foreplay for heterosexual couples found that both men and women wanted longer foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to only happen immediately before sex; you can start foreplay much earlier in the day. For people who are bored in bed, it might be helpful to spend more time building anticipation. You can begin the foreplay by sending a sexy text to your partner before coming home from work. Don’t think of foreplay as an appetizer and sex as the main course. Instead, they are equally nourishing acts!
We hope we’ve helped clarify ways to tell if you’re bored with your sex life and the many things you can do about it. As poet Dorthy Parker said, “The cure for boredom is curiosity.” So, where in your sex life can you get curious?